Freely available euphoria
from sometime ago
Updates, v20.2: Quality of life has improved by a spectacular 100%.
After quitting meds, starting new regimens, along with being in a physically safe environment, my thoughts became radiantly textured.
Previously: This is deprecated! This too, is no longer supported! System malfunction. Must update now. Due to low disk space, I had extreme anxiety appearing at offices or doing work š (hiding health problems to the best of my ability) + swallow my paratactic sentences and end everything with ā???ā or just nuke on the entire sentence, yāknow, when people start and stop typing online.
For irl conversations I am often the overheating computer with low disk space holding a 45 GB download and running an antivirus scan, none of which are central to the content of the conversation. Then, someone begins a theoretical discussion and I am awfully jealous of academics with credentials. One day, I say, Iām going to have a single ingredient diet consisting of no longer celsius energy drinks, but a stream of academic papers.
In Australia, I was taunted to be ānot a girlā and got recurring nightmares.
After I turned 12, the climate had included much more fog and depression by default. Puberty is rotting my brain, I remarked. My hypothesis is that my neural structure was androgynous with high ratio of androgens, and am now being flushed down the drains monodirectionally. (Hypothesized that it makes use of androgens more efficiently than estrogen) My thought shape changed from energetic, linear, directed, cold and arguable toāpastel, smooth rolling hills, circular and melancholic like 20th century modernist novels. I was not ready for this.
The default mode network now became the depression mode network. I filled my time with shiny things including consuming lethal doses of Quora. Why do I have even more white matter now? This thought pattern should not have occurred in the first place! Iām gonna throw up on the sidewalk and overdose on antiemetics. I am metaconcerned, (meta)^2 concerned, ā¦ (meta)^n concerned.
I look into the mirror and stress about fat distribution accumulated, and, being curvilinear, rather than just, a line š¤¢, so I started binge eating and not giving a fuck about weight to stop dealing with this problem, which is also good, since no one enforced me to wear dresses or womenās clothes anymore.
My classmate says I give off Fur Elise energy, and I couldnāt quite express the immense dissatisfaction of identifying with Elise. For one, section C of the piece was when Beethoven got rejected by his lover. I can not see myself in a straight relationship, and especially not a Chinese straight relationship, and according to parentsā designation, not a relationship with Indian bros, or any dude is older than me by 8 more years, any Russian bros, and regarding Ukrainians boys, wellā¦ and no Nigerians! kms! syke! I began spending time on my bed consuming endless Yuri webnovels and drawing myself on an icebreaker ship binge eating icecream with users I met from Quora.
It constantly felt like something is missing, a feeling of āI accidentally lost my favourite hat and idk where it wasā. The premonition of the world collapsing in a movie recurs every few days, unless I actively work on optimism. Didnāt have a word for this. I wondered if there is are hypothetical chemical that would alter my neural structure, fat distribution, facial characteristics, physiology to be more androgynous, and I would get on them asap. I researched into various nootropics and just couldnāt find it as a teen.
During the pandemic, I discovered Nicky Case and fell in love with her YouTube videos, explorable explanations and way of catastrophe.
Early high school: āIām just vibingā, classmate says. How can someone just possibly be vibing. Brain thinks āno signalsā = ābadā, but also, ānegative signalsā = ābadā. Thus, Iād seek out social events to regulate. However, no negative feedback = bad, so itās just bad.
I am terrified of checking social media, because I feel someone would get angry and accuse me of being an irresponsible fool while Iād been asleep.
Upon moving to the bay area, I realized with immense dissatisfaction, that I was on the rationalist techno-optimist heterosexual dating market. I walked into a room, breathed oxygen, and am now am tagged as a heterosexual. I was stressed out after doing straight relationship norms (kms!! x2. actually, kys, comphet).
During this time, I learned to do nothing. Importantly: I LEARNED TO DO NOTHING!
One day I was bawling my eyes out at Arcadia house because I had gotten distracted from distracting my nervous system, and I needed to go to a social event even though I havenāt slept in 48 hours. Friend says: Not kill myself, itās chill by myself. āGood mood is unconditionalā He added nonchalant. This friend now games 24/7, which absolutely proves his point!
2024, I went to fusion dance. The teacher said instead of small and jittery movements, I should take large and smooth steps. I made a mental note.
April 2025, v19.8: My memory blocks elapsing the past two decades have been released!
My memories, separated into three distinct containers with little overlap, merged. This was the first time charting information from start to end, which took a few days.1
I am not a dumbass STEM nerd! Hardware people often have ābuilding with legosā phases of their childhoods and I canāt remember a childhood story to tell aside from scrolling lgbtq coding forums since I was 10, late night in China standard time and reciting the same psychology textbook to disrupt the dorm curfew. I had a series of hobbiesāPhysics, chemistry, scientists biographies, music, introductory hardware, programming, various forms of art, writing and orchestrating revolutions that I never got to think about.
Burnout: from early 2023 - 2025 when I lost intrinsic interest in most things and relied on deadlines. 2025 started with several disappointments and one month of dissociating on the bed. pffft.
The theme came back steadily:
It constantly felt like something is missing, a feeling of āI accidentally lost my favourite hat and idk where it wasā. The premonition of the world collapsing in a movie recurs every few days, unless I actively work on optimismā¦ I was stressed out after doing straight relationship norms
Friend says this is dysphoria, so I transitioned. I worked a lot on fundamentals: sleep regulation, catastrophe regulation, tried ~10 chemicals one at a time.
God damn people pleasing. I stopped doing it as broadly. I think my intelligence decreased by two std monitoring possible antagonies on the streets:
The physics person.
Clack.
A few self-taught ex-cultists. A few tgirls.
Heated arguments burn my sleep.
Clack. Clack.
Chunks of time slip through my hands like Minecraft sandblocks falling when I start thinking about people I argued with.
Two decades have passed.
After some calm-headed troubleshooting and starting hormone regimens: Thereās a lot more bioavailable bandwidth, attention, memory and energy than expected now. Attention is broadcasted outward without bounds. Contrast with few months ago, my attention bounces inward with a definite bound.
On the trains, I notice how the ground tilts, looming horns and I look outside the window panes scanning at things central to the frame. The baseline stress is much lower. When talking, the lack of signal is no longer bad and I can exit doomspiralling like logging out of Twitter. I could direct my attention energetically like I used to do, split things into chunks and complete them super fast. Intrinsic motivation makes its return these days. When crossing the street, my gaze and saccades scan for another set of patterns.
Without a lot of meds, there is no emotional flattening or later crash, so the range could, theoretically, go from 1 - 10 (happiest), but I regulate it to be 4.5 - 9. I can shift modes, from any joy to whatever melancholy gradually. Though, entering the melancholy basin tends to quickly become physical discomfort and then, sickness. I am idempotently chronically sick. The āstatic frictionā to get something started is lower.
I befriended more tgirls and other gnc crowd. On discord and irl, people asked when I started estrogen (20 years ago). I was added to a massive tgirl spreadsheet by mistake and burned some bridges. Then I made out in authentic Yuri ways. I bought heaven will be mine posters of pluto and luna terra kissing, certified Yuri pins and put them in my room. It seems like at least we are directionally correct.
I did time capsules at school. When it came to unlocking, I shredded the sheet of paper methodically. That way my past self can no longer attack my prolonged existence. 2018, I will be a older person who wins competitions in spotlight. theory, debates and independence. best friends come and and go, and in the end weād be always be alone. I wonāt say yes to maybes, derail my life with straight relationships. I absolutely despise straight relationships and am not interested. if youāre reading this, you have failed because, you planned to [move to this city] now. People come and ask if I was okay.